Father Involvement

I feel really grateful for the relationship that I had with my dad growing up.  Like any familial relationship, it had its ups and downs, but I would consider our relationship to be a good one.  My dad has always been there for me and has taught me a lot about life and lessons that have given me strength in difficult moments.

My dad has experienced a few very difficult things in his life.  I don’t even know much about them, but I can’t imagine how hard some experiences may have been for him.  Because of the things that he has gone through, he has been able to give me incredible advice when I am struggling through something in my own personal life.

One thing that may have been difficult growing up is that my dad worked a lot.  Actually, I don’t remember being even a little bit bothered by it.  I remember always feeling that he was incredibly dedicated to taking care of our family and I felt his love because of his hard work. 

I have thought a bit about how I would love for my kids to be able to have a close relationship with their father like I did.  I want to do everything that I can to make sure that my husband feels totally involved in the raising of our children.  I really love the idea of children having one-on-one time with their fathers and would like to encourage that in my future family.

I read a book by Dr. Gottman in one of my classes that had a whole chapter about fathers and how important they are in the lives of their children.  Today, I wanted to write about a few parts of that chapter and the discussion that we had about it that really impacted and stood out to me:

• ·       Not just any dad will do.  We talk so much about how important it is that a father is present, and while that is definitely true, there is much more to it.  It is important that a father is also emotionally present.  That is the only way that he can really  make the positive impact that children need from a father.

• ·       What do kids miss out on without a father?

o   Fathers are able to teach children about social relationships in a way that is unique to any other teaching that another person could do.

o   Children learn a different type of play from their dads – rough and tumble.  I have great memories of this kind of play with my dad.  I think it builds confidence and even encourages a child to be themselves and be silly and have fun.

o   Emotional skills are learned from that type of play as well as the simple fact of having a strong relationship with a father.

• ·       Dads shouldn’t be sent to the sideline when a baby is born.  Sometimes, a mother (and mother-in-law) might have the tendency to try to push the dad out a bit when the baby is born, but this is NOT a good idea.  Fathers have their own style of caring for a baby that can teach that baby and help it to develop in ways that it wouldn’t be able to after only spending time with the mother. 
• ·       Fathers need alone time with their kids so that they can learn techniques and strategies that are important for their children (without the influence or direction of their wife!).  This is an important part of building that relationship between father and child.

I really believe that fathers are very important in a family and in God’s plan.  This is a video that is really special to me that shows just how important they are.

-Britt

Parenting and the Book of Mormon

Throughout this semester, I have been learning about parenting techniques, how to prepare to be a good parent, and the consequences if positive parenting doesn't take place.  This week, in one of my classes, we discussed a few different principles that can help us to parent effectively.  

As I have mentioned a few times previously, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I know that this is the restored church of Jesus Christ, the same one that Jesus Christ established during His life and that was lost after His death and the death of His apostles.  A part of that restoration was the bringing forth of a book of scripture called The Book of Mormon.  It was written by prophets and disciples of Christ who lived in the ancient Americas.  I know that The Book of Mormon is truly the word of God!

I hadn't noticed it before, but this week, it was brought to my attention that there are many good examples of parenting in The Book of Mormon.  I would just like to outline a few of them and what they have taught me about parenting in the way that God intended us to.  If anybody wants to read along, you can find the scriptures at this link: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm?lang=eng

Alma 36:3 - And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trustin God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Whether you are religious or not, something very important can be learned from this scripture.  In this case, Alma, the father, is teaching his son something that is very important to him.  He had gone through a lot during his own life and wants to help his son to know what it takes to get through those difficulties that always come. We can, and should, do the same with our children.  The lessons that we have learned in our lives are valuable opportunities to teach our children, and we should be there to share whatever may be necessary for them to move forward in their difficulties.

Alma 38:2 - And now, my son, I trust that I shall have great joy in you, because of your steadiness and your faithfulness unto God; for as you have commenced in your youth to look to the Lord your God, even so I hope that you will continue in keeping his commandments; for blessed is he that endureth to the end.

This is the same father, Alma, but he is now counseling with another one of his sons.  I love this verse because he shows his son that he is proud of his son for the effort that he has put into being the best person that he could be.  I believe that it is important that we are involved in our children's lives and know their accomplishments, as well as their failures and struggles, and that we are open with them about our feelings regarding the choices they are making.

In the next chapter, Alma 39, Alma takes the opportunity to talk with his son Coriantum, who has made some bad decisions.  The first part of this chapter is consists of Alma talking to his son in a very straightforward and honest way about what has happened.  This chapter has helped me to understand the importance of being upfront with our children and being able to have open conversations with them about whatever may be going on in their lives.  For the rest of the chapter, though, he spends a lot of time reaching out to his son and showing him that he loves and cares about him, despite any mistakes that he may have made.  

Like I said above, despite your religious beliefs, these principles can be applied in any family.  I am grateful for all of the resources that we have to become the best parents that we can be.

-Britt

Communication

One of the biggest problems that most couples claim to have relates to communication in some form or another.  Think about it: two people who grew up in different families, who have been taught different things, and who have different opinions are putting their lives together and trying to do so in an effective way that can lead to a lasting marriage.  It is normal, maybe even expected, that many lessons will have to be learned and internalized in order for the two of them to feel heard, appreciated, and able to understand their partner as well. 

I want to write about a few models that I learned about this week that can help us to more effectively communicate with the people that we love. 

Model #1: The Five Secrets of Communication

1.       Disarming technique – when someone criticizes you, there are a few options.  You can fight back, withdraw, or you can try to find a bit of truth in what they have told you and act accordingly.  The third option is the disarming technique.  This response will feel incredibly unnatural to nearly everybody, but it can totally change the way that the other person feels about the conversation.  They will feel validated and understood if you can relate to and agree to at least something that they are saying.

2.       Empathy – people need to feel understood! It is important to repeat back to the person what you understand about their thoughts and that you try to understand what they are feeling and act in a way that can help them with those emotions.

3.       Gentle inquiry – it is so easy for people to feel attacked during conversations like this.  Many times, it’s because of the tone of voice or the way that things are being worded.  If you just try to ask questions and invite people to share what they are thinking and feeling, the desire to just shut down the conversation won’t be as strong. When we try to simply shut down a conversation, the other person can start to feel desperate to get their point across.

4.       Assertiveness – this step can be summed up by the following sentence (you fill in the blanks!).

·       When (that one event or circumstance) ______________________ I feel/felt (an emotion, not a judgement or an evaluation) __________________________, because (thoughts)_________________________________.  I would like ____________________________.

Some important parts of this is that you only bring up the one event that upset you.  There is no need for you to drag out the past or remember mistakes that were made before.  The second thing is that you shouldn’t place a judgement on the person such as “When ___________________________, I felt like you were being a jerk.” These two things can help the other person to not feel attacked by what you are saying.

5.       Show respect and admiration – this needs to be authentic.  We need to find things about the person that we really, genuinely appreciate and let them know.  We talked in class about a great idea to share things that you love about each other before you even start to talk.  That way, you can have better feelings between the two of you before you make any decisions or get too far into the conversation.

Model #2: Decision Making

This model was introduced to me by the teacher of my Family Relations class.  It’s pretty simple, and I would really like to give it a try because it seems pretty effective!

1.       Choose a time and place where you can be away from the family and can speak openly. 

2.       Form an agenda – this doesn’t have to be written or anything, but it should be clear what you want to talk about so that it doesn’t turn into anything else that might not be helpful or necessary.

3.       Start by doing what I wrote above – telling each other what you love about each other.

4.       Say a prayer individually – I believe that God can help us to make these important decisions and have these conversations! Ask Him what He thinks is best in this particular situation.

5.       Talk with each other and share what you felt during the prayer.  Not what you are feeling or your own personal preferences!

6.       Once you come to a conclusion, say another prayer of thanks.

7.       Have some snacks!

Well, I invite you all to give these models a try the next time that you are having a difficult conversation or need to make a decision! I’m going to do the same.  Let me know how it goes!

-Britt

Familial Resilience

Being in a family is an opportunity to experience a lot of joy and create many of memories.  Along with that, however, we often experience difficulties and trials within our families that can cause a lot of stress and potentially lead to problems within the family.  The way that a family responds to these challenges can determine the long-term effect that can be seen in the family.  

Today, I want to discuss five steps that psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Marmer taught that we can apply in order to become more resilient.  These steps can be applied either as individuals or in a family to be prepared to handle any challenges that might come.

1) Get some perspective.  Sometimes we just have to take a step back and try to see the situation from a different point of view.  I have found in my own life that when I try to take myself out of the situation and see it as it is, it often doesn't end out seeming nearly as big as it did in the first place.  In a family, especially, we can avoid a lot of pain if we can take things more lightly and have a better perspective together.

This video is a good and pretty humorous representation of what can happen to us if we overthink things and don't put in that effort to see things realistically.

2)   "Compare the undeserved bad things that have happened to you with the unearned good things that have happened to you."  We each have so many incredible blessings in our lives and in our families.  Oftentimes, those good things don't necessarily happen to us because of something that we have done to earn them.  

If we can do our very best to focus on the good things that have happened in our families, it may be easier for us to handle the difficulties when they come.  

A few years ago. I left my home for 18 months to be a missionary for my church. I remember at one point, I received some difficult news from my family.  In that moment, I felt that I couldn't handle the stress while being so far away from home.  What helped me to be strong in a difficult time was remembering the good times that my family had experienced and all of those to come.  

3) Toughen up.  This one may seem harsh, but I think that there is a lot of value in striving to be prepared for whatever may come.  The keyword there is being prepared; that implies that we think about it ahead of time and do whatever it takes to be tough enough to deal with every circumstance that life throws at us in the future.

How can we toughen up as a family?  I believe that one of the best ways is by strengthening the relationships of the family.  If we have done our part to have close relationships with the other members of our family, we will be more likely to be prepared to work together and help each other out throughout life.

4) "Be the architect of your own fate."  I am a big believer that we have the power to determine a lot of things in our life.  For example, we can choose to get up and go exercise even when it's hard.  No one is forcing us to do so, but we can reap the benefits from making that choice for ourselves.  We can also make the decision to be happy, regardless of what is going on in our lives.  I don't think that that means being emotionless or ignoring difficult feelings when they come.  But I believe that we can choose to take those feelings as they come and to do the best that we can to move forward and be content anyways.

5) We must take an honest look at our life - a self-inventory.  Is it possible that we have created these problems for ourselves or for our families?  Recognizing the part that we have played in the challenges that are occurring, whether they be big or small, will give us the power to make that decision to be resilient and to power through to the best of our abilities.

The most important part of this all...

...is that we don't expect ourselves to follow these steps perfectly every time we encounter a trial.  If we expect that out of ourselves, it's going to be too much and probably won't happen in the long run.  I believe that even if we plan to be strong and endure things in the perfect way, there is no way that we can be 100% prepared for what is to come.  We have to be patient with ourselves and just do the very best that we can.

Our families are worth putting in that effort to be as resilient as we can - I encourage each of you to do what you can to be prepared!!!

-Britt

Sex Education - the Who, How, and Why

There is something that I have been thinking about for a while, and something that is very important to me.  It's something that is done differently in everything family, or even not done in some families.  As you saw in the title, today I want to write about sex education! It might seem strange, or even kind of awkward, but I believe that it's incredibly important that parents teach their children about sexual intimacy and create an open atmosphere in their home.  

Here are some of the reasons that I feel that sex should be talked about in the home and why I want to be a part of their sex education:

- If we don't talk about sex with our children in the home, who knows where they will hear about it?  They could hear about it from their friends in school.  The media is also more than eager to teach our children about what sex is and that it is a very casual, non-committal thing.  It is also possible that we wouldn't approve of or appreciate the way that sex education is being taught in schools.  

- For me, it is incredibly important that my children understand sex in the context of our family's personal beliefs.  I believe that intimacy is an important part of the plan that God has for us, as it allows us to have a family and to share love in a marriage.  I do want to teach them that it is important to wait until marriage to have sex, but I also want to teach them that in the right circumstance, with the right person, it is a beautiful, important thing.  I don’t think it’s healthy if their only opinion is that “sex is naughty;” I want to do my best to help them understand what it really is and equip them with the needed information to make good decisions on their own.

-It is a massive priority for me that my children feel that they can be open with me and my husband about anything.  I believe that if I haven’t been open with them and talked with them about sex, there is no way that they will be able to ask me questions, talk with me abut any struggles that they may be having, relationships that they are in, etc.  I don’t want it to be such a taboo subject in my home that nobody feels that they can speak their mind.

There’s a book produced by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints called “A Parent’s Guide” that discusses ten principles to keep in mind as we teach our children about intimacy:

1.    The responsibility to teach should be shared between husband and wife.

2.    Parents should teach their children by setting a good example for them.

3.    They should be consistent in their own behavior and in the way that they teach them.

4.    Parents should counsel with their children and let them talk with them when they need to.

5.    It is important for parents to teach children how to judge a situation and make decisions on their own.

6.    There should be a positive emotional climate in our homes.

7.    Parents should take the time, once a week, to have a family night where relationships can be strengthened and things can be discussed.

8.    Parents should share their thoughts and feelings with their children.  They, in turn, will feel that they can do the same.

9.    Children should always feel that their parents love them.

Sex education is done differently in every single family, and I think that that is a great thing!  It probably depends on the child and on the family how it is done, but I know that it needs to be a priority in any family.  I believe that these conversations will protect our children, help them to be prepared for intimate relationships that they will have in the future, and will ultimately strengthen our relationships with them.

-Britt

Why Get Married?

In each of my posts so far, it's pretty easy to find my opinion on how important families are.  In the last post, I discussed some of the things that can be done previous to marriage in order to prepare someone to create a fulfilling, lasting marriage.  

Today, I want to talk about two things that are pretty simple, but crucial to understand: the purposes of marriage and the adjustments that each couple is likely to face in the beginning of their marriage.

One of the purposes that came to my mind is that we all seek and desire companionship.  A man named Bertrand Russell, a British philosopher, said that "those who have not known the deep intimacy and intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give."  I firmly believe that this life isn't meant to be lived alone; I believe that we can find a lot of joy and satisfaction in living this life with someone by our side.

Another reason that marriage is important, and one that I have already written about, is that it creates a very positive environment in which to start and raise a family.  

A healthy marriage also gives the opportunity for both spouses to learn, grow, improve, and progress.  I have already seen in my own life, although I'm not married, that being in a relationship with someone really helps me to see the ways in which I would like to improve and it really motivates me to be the best version of myself that I can be.  I can imagine that marriage will only bring me even more of those feelings!

A reason that I sometimes tend to forget amidst all of these other important ones is because it brings happiness and enjoyment. It can't, of course, be constant bliss and laughter, but I truly do believe that some of the greatest happiness that can be found in this life can come from being in a marriage where two people can feel loved and appreciated.

Now... on to the adjustments! Like I said above, I have never been married, so I really can't say that I have ever experienced any of these adjustments on my own.  I just thought, especially as a young college student whose goal is to have a fulfilling marriage, that it could be beneficial to understand some of the things that we will have to learn and become accustomed to in the first month and year of marriage:

First month:

• Living with someone else 
• Intimacy
• Responsibilities, roles, chores, etc.
• Sharing in ways that you have never shared before
• Budgeting time (school, work, family, friends, relationship)
• Combining lives
• Habits (eating, toilet, sleeping, etc.)

First year:

• Holidays
• Creating own traditions
• Which family do we spend time with on holidays
• Values/priorities
• Friends of the opposite gender
• Making decisions together
• Learning models that assist in this
• Gospel study
• This is an important one for me! It's crucial to me to marry someone who I can read the scriptures and pray with.  
• Life goals 
• Sleeping together - open window?  How many blankets? How much space?

Well, if that isn't slightly overwhelming, I don't know what is! I do believe, however, that many of these things can, and should, be discussed throughout the courtship and engagement. That will help us to understand the other person's values and what is important to them.

Although it can seem frightening to think of all of the changes that marriage brings, I certainly stand by my belief that it is worth all of that.  It is worth the humbling experiences it brings, worth the challenges, worth the changes that we may have to make, and well worth anything else that it could possibly bring.  It is worth it because it is what we are here on this earth to do.  I believe that the most worthwhile thing that we can do while here is to have a family.

Dovetail vs. Super Glue

This week, we discussed dating, marriage, and selecting a life partner.  I learned a lot about strengthening a relationship from the beginning to a lifelong commitment.  An example that was given is displayed in the pictures that are to the left.  The first one is showing something called a dovetail joint.  It is known for creating a very solid, reliable joining of two pieces of wood.  It is difficult, nearly impossible, to separate the two pieces of wood once they are joined by a dovetail joint. 

Imagine that you have been tasked with building something very important.  Perhaps a gift for your parents' 50th Anniversary or a crib for your baby.  Would you prefer to build that using something like the dovetail joint or simply by using gorilla or super glue to connect the pieces and hope that it stays together?

Something that is incredibly important to me is to build the kind of relationship that can survive any tumult, storm, or difficulty that comes.  I want to have a "dovetail" relationship, not just a "super glue" relationship. In class this week, I learned various principles and models that can be followed to improve and strengthen relationships.  The ones I want to take are the Steps of Courtship as well as the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model).  Before I begin, I do think that it's important that I clarify that I feel very strongly that every single relationship is different.  Each one can't be treated the same as another, which means that we can all take these and apply them in the best way possible for our own relationships.
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The Steps of Courtship are quite simple, but I believe that they are important and that they are being forgotten by society and causing problems in having and keeping strong, fulfilling relationships.

Dating
        Courtship
                 Engagement
                           Marriage

I didn't do such a good job of showing it, but they are supposed to be like a staircase, showing that it is important that we move with intention from one step to another.  It's a beautiful for a couple to be able to say that they know "where they stand" with each other.  I believe that this model really allows for two people to get to know each other and to progress toward the goal of marriage. 

Something that I thought about a lot this week was the importance of dating.  Not just going immediately to being in a relationship with whoever comes along, but going on dates with many people so that we can learn what we are looking for in a future partner and develop skills that will help us in our future families.
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The other model is called the Relationship Attachment Model, and it displays an order of getting to know someone in a positive, deep, and lasting way.  It was developed by a man named John Van Epp, who wrote a book called "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk."

This model was a little bit difficult for me to understand at first, but I think that I understand it now.  Basically, it is teaching that you should know someone before you trust them, trust them before you rely on them, rely on someone before you commit to them, and that commitment should come before the physical side of the relationship moves forward a lot.  I really think that this model makes a lot of sense.  For example, if two people have sex before they even start to know or trust in each other, the relationship isn't likely to go anywhere and will most likely end in heartbreak. 

An important point to bring up with this model is that it can be applied at the beginning of the relationship, and that might be the best way to do it, but any couple can take a step back and re-evaluate and decide in what way they would like to improve.  Maybe they need to learn to trust each other a little more, or feel deeper levels of commitment.
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I certainly can't say that I understand relationships or these two models perfectly, but I do know that as we try our very best in our relationships, they can become "dovetail" relationships; relationships that won't end when things get hard, relationships that can strengthen us and make us better people.

Comment below if you have any thoughts or apply any of this!

-Britt