Communication

One of the biggest problems that most couples claim to have relates to communication in some form or another.  Think about it: two people who grew up in different families, who have been taught different things, and who have different opinions are putting their lives together and trying to do so in an effective way that can lead to a lasting marriage.  It is normal, maybe even expected, that many lessons will have to be learned and internalized in order for the two of them to feel heard, appreciated, and able to understand their partner as well. 

I want to write about a few models that I learned about this week that can help us to more effectively communicate with the people that we love. 

Model #1: The Five Secrets of Communication

1.       Disarming technique – when someone criticizes you, there are a few options.  You can fight back, withdraw, or you can try to find a bit of truth in what they have told you and act accordingly.  The third option is the disarming technique.  This response will feel incredibly unnatural to nearly everybody, but it can totally change the way that the other person feels about the conversation.  They will feel validated and understood if you can relate to and agree to at least something that they are saying.

2.       Empathy – people need to feel understood! It is important to repeat back to the person what you understand about their thoughts and that you try to understand what they are feeling and act in a way that can help them with those emotions.

3.       Gentle inquiry – it is so easy for people to feel attacked during conversations like this.  Many times, it’s because of the tone of voice or the way that things are being worded.  If you just try to ask questions and invite people to share what they are thinking and feeling, the desire to just shut down the conversation won’t be as strong. When we try to simply shut down a conversation, the other person can start to feel desperate to get their point across.

4.       Assertiveness – this step can be summed up by the following sentence (you fill in the blanks!).

·       When (that one event or circumstance) ______________________ I feel/felt (an emotion, not a judgement or an evaluation) __________________________, because (thoughts)_________________________________.  I would like ____________________________.

Some important parts of this is that you only bring up the one event that upset you.  There is no need for you to drag out the past or remember mistakes that were made before.  The second thing is that you shouldn’t place a judgement on the person such as “When ___________________________, I felt like you were being a jerk.” These two things can help the other person to not feel attacked by what you are saying.

5.       Show respect and admiration – this needs to be authentic.  We need to find things about the person that we really, genuinely appreciate and let them know.  We talked in class about a great idea to share things that you love about each other before you even start to talk.  That way, you can have better feelings between the two of you before you make any decisions or get too far into the conversation.

Model #2: Decision Making

This model was introduced to me by the teacher of my Family Relations class.  It’s pretty simple, and I would really like to give it a try because it seems pretty effective!

1.       Choose a time and place where you can be away from the family and can speak openly. 

2.       Form an agenda – this doesn’t have to be written or anything, but it should be clear what you want to talk about so that it doesn’t turn into anything else that might not be helpful or necessary.

3.       Start by doing what I wrote above – telling each other what you love about each other.

4.       Say a prayer individually – I believe that God can help us to make these important decisions and have these conversations! Ask Him what He thinks is best in this particular situation.

5.       Talk with each other and share what you felt during the prayer.  Not what you are feeling or your own personal preferences!

6.       Once you come to a conclusion, say another prayer of thanks.

7.       Have some snacks!

Well, I invite you all to give these models a try the next time that you are having a difficult conversation or need to make a decision! I’m going to do the same.  Let me know how it goes!

-Britt