Dovetail vs. Super Glue

This week, we discussed dating, marriage, and selecting a life partner.  I learned a lot about strengthening a relationship from the beginning to a lifelong commitment.  An example that was given is displayed in the pictures that are to the left.  The first one is showing something called a dovetail joint.  It is known for creating a very solid, reliable joining of two pieces of wood.  It is difficult, nearly impossible, to separate the two pieces of wood once they are joined by a dovetail joint. 

Imagine that you have been tasked with building something very important.  Perhaps a gift for your parents' 50th Anniversary or a crib for your baby.  Would you prefer to build that using something like the dovetail joint or simply by using gorilla or super glue to connect the pieces and hope that it stays together?

Something that is incredibly important to me is to build the kind of relationship that can survive any tumult, storm, or difficulty that comes.  I want to have a "dovetail" relationship, not just a "super glue" relationship. In class this week, I learned various principles and models that can be followed to improve and strengthen relationships.  The ones I want to take are the Steps of Courtship as well as the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model).  Before I begin, I do think that it's important that I clarify that I feel very strongly that every single relationship is different.  Each one can't be treated the same as another, which means that we can all take these and apply them in the best way possible for our own relationships.
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The Steps of Courtship are quite simple, but I believe that they are important and that they are being forgotten by society and causing problems in having and keeping strong, fulfilling relationships.

Dating
        Courtship
                 Engagement
                           Marriage

I didn't do such a good job of showing it, but they are supposed to be like a staircase, showing that it is important that we move with intention from one step to another.  It's a beautiful for a couple to be able to say that they know "where they stand" with each other.  I believe that this model really allows for two people to get to know each other and to progress toward the goal of marriage. 

Something that I thought about a lot this week was the importance of dating.  Not just going immediately to being in a relationship with whoever comes along, but going on dates with many people so that we can learn what we are looking for in a future partner and develop skills that will help us in our future families.
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The other model is called the Relationship Attachment Model, and it displays an order of getting to know someone in a positive, deep, and lasting way.  It was developed by a man named John Van Epp, who wrote a book called "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk."

This model was a little bit difficult for me to understand at first, but I think that I understand it now.  Basically, it is teaching that you should know someone before you trust them, trust them before you rely on them, rely on someone before you commit to them, and that commitment should come before the physical side of the relationship moves forward a lot.  I really think that this model makes a lot of sense.  For example, if two people have sex before they even start to know or trust in each other, the relationship isn't likely to go anywhere and will most likely end in heartbreak. 

An important point to bring up with this model is that it can be applied at the beginning of the relationship, and that might be the best way to do it, but any couple can take a step back and re-evaluate and decide in what way they would like to improve.  Maybe they need to learn to trust each other a little more, or feel deeper levels of commitment.
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I certainly can't say that I understand relationships or these two models perfectly, but I do know that as we try our very best in our relationships, they can become "dovetail" relationships; relationships that won't end when things get hard, relationships that can strengthen us and make us better people.

Comment below if you have any thoughts or apply any of this!

-Britt

My Take on Feminism...

OH BOY, time for some honesty: I had no idea what to write about this week.  The topics that we discussed in class are pretty serious ones, and can be very controversial.  I have been thinking a lot about how to approach them, and I think that I've come to a conclusion.  I am simply going to talk about my personal feelings on the idea of feminism.  

This topic is everywhere and I'm not sure that, at this point in my life, I really understand everything about it.  I don't know all about the history of it or the way that it has changed over the years.  With that being said, I would just like to sum up my feelings on the matter.  I will include some religious beliefs, some experiences, and a pretty blunt view of how I see things.

My Personal Experience: I believe that many of my opinions come from observing my family and others around me.  I would like to introduce you a bit to my parents.

Dad: my dad is named Scott and he is a great guy! He is a hard worker.  Since I was little, I have never worried that we wouldn't be taken care of or provided for.  He is also an amazing parent; he is there for us and strives to help us and guide us through our lives.

Mom: my mom, Karen, was a stay-at-home mom.  She taught piano in our home, but she was always there in the home.  She made sure to be there when we left or came home to see how things were going for us.  She has become one of my greatest sources of comfort in this life!

Why do I think it's important for you to know this information about my parents?  It's because they are the reason that I believe that men and women have different, but equally important, roles.  So much of the conflict regarding this topic is trying to put men and women on the exact same level, with the same responsibilities and roles in society.  The truth is, though, that the things that are inherently natural to men and women come together to make things work.  Without those differences, I really don't think that I would have had all of my needs as a child met.  Each parent, in their own, unique way, contributed to my growth and development.

My Religious Beliefs: I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It is the restored Church of Jesus Christ, and as such, has helped me to believe firmly in the family and the importance of it.  A document called "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" outlines what we believe about the family.  It teaches that each of us "is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny."  It discusses the importance of marriage between a man and a woman and teaches that fathers should "preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families" and that mothers are to care for and ensure the "nurture of their children."  Yes, those roles are different. But how could anyone say that any of those things are less important than the others?

The ultimate conclusion to all of this is one simple phrase: men and women are different, but equal.  I am so glad that I am a woman and for the gifts that I feel like I’ve been blessed with, and I am also so grateful for the men that are in my life.  I don’t feel either superior or inferior to them; we are all just people who are trying our very best.  We do “our thing” and so do they! And it all just comes together 😊

-Britt

Family Cultures: What is Yours?

When we think of the word "culture," we most likely think of the differences in traditions between different countries around the world.  How could we define a "family culture," then?  A family culture is the “normal” within the family that leads to certain traditions within different families.  Each family has a different culture and it can really have a massive impact on the children and what kind of adults they develop into.  

How does a family begin to develop and keep their own family culture?  Some examples of the contribute of each family culture are below:

-the goals that families have (for each other and themselves)

-the traditions that are created in a family

-the important, but often unspoken, rules of the home

-what the family enjoys to do for fun

-any values or beliefs that are developed within and are important to the family

It seems to me that a family culture is developed over time as the family learns and progresses together.  Certain parts of the culture have been prevalent in the family since it began.  For example, a part of the culture in my family is that we always eat dinner together.  I asked my mom and she said that it has always been important to she and my dad that we eat dinner together.  On the other hand, it isn’t part of our family culture to eat breakfast together, as it is in some other families.  Other parts of our culture included attending church together every week and doing activities such as camping, hiking, and boating.

It is also possible that some parts of a family culture could be have negative consequences.  Negative parts of the culture could potentially cause members of the family to drift apart.  The results of the type of family culture that a family has are totally dependent on each family; something might work well for one family but be bad for another. 

As each of us thinks of our future or current families, it is important that we consider what kind of culture we would like for our family to have.  In my opinion, the best way to create a positive family culture is to establish fun family traditions that bring a family together.  If you’ve ever heard your kids say “We always…”, that is probably evidence of a family tradition that has been created in your family!  A few positive traditions could include holiday traditions, food traditions, and any other sort of repeated activity that brings the family together.  As I look back on my family at some of the traditions that we had growing up, I am filled with happy memories and gratitude for my family and the things that we experienced together.  Those memories have really stuck with me.   I went on an 18 month mission to Southern California for my church, and the two Christmas mornings that I spent there, I thought happily of the traditions that I had with my family for my whole life. 

I can’t really think of any family traditions that are bad, but an interesting thought came to mind as I read and wrote about this topic: I believe that it is important that the family traditions don’t ever lead to massive disappointment if things change in the family, causing the traditions not happening anymore.  I guess it must be important for us to always acknowledge and teach that things often change.  The traditions will have to be adapted as children grow and things change.

A family’s culture is ever-changing with the growth of a family.  It is a beautiful thought to me that we have the choice to do our very best to create a positive culture within our families. What are some aspects of the culture of your family? I’d love to hear about them – comment below!!

-Britt

What Makes Us Tick?

If you look around the world, you will see that there are so many differing opinions about the family.  People across the globe understand and view the family in unique ways.  What exactly is it that forms all of these opinions regarding the family and how it works?  Many of these views are a result of the theories that we have about our family or those that we observe around us.

A theory is…

a plausible or scientifically acceptable general principle or body of principles offered to explain phenomena (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/theory)

Keeping that definition in mind, a theory about the family is basically the principles that people feel explain the way that things work in a family.  It seems that we all have different theories that stem from the various experiences that we have had with the family. I am going to use the “Smith Family” as an example to describe each of these theories.

Conflict theory: this theory leads a person to believe that the driving force of society, or in this case, a family, is the inequality, conflict, and power that is seen in the home. There is often a struggle between people to have that power. Now, I don’t want to say that conflict is unusual or possible to avoid, but the important thing to learn here is that it must be overcome.

Example: That’s So Raymond (see video below – it’s a funny one!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7cTqnH9Xyc

To Think About: What does the book that this little boy wrote show about the way that he sees that his family functions?

Exchange theory: This theory is based off of one’s desire to get at least as much (usually more) out of a relationship than what they themselves are giving.  This leads to incredibly high, and sometimes difficult to meet, expectations in a relationship or a family.

                                        

A question to consider: Why is this kind of thinking dangerous in a family?

Symbolic Interaction Theory: A theory that is formed around the belief that all of the actions of a person have a very symbolic meaning/have to mean something.  This belief can be good or bad, depending on the things that it is attached to.  An example of a good thing with a positive symbolic meaning would be that a kiss normally (and should, in my opinion) means that two people care for each other. 

A story for an example (shared in my class, so I don’t take any credit for it!): A wife stays home and does her best to take care of the kids and the things that are going on at home.  When her husband gets home from work, he goes straight into the office for the next 20 minutes. This makes the wife worry more and more each day that he does it.  It affects how she acts towards him for the rest of the evening. Where did that worry come from? When she was growing up, her dad only did that when he was really angry.

What I take from that story: It’s important to understand the experiences that the people in our family have had that have caused them to attach meanings, good or bad, to certain things that are done.  It will help us to be sensitive and maybe help them to overcome it.

Systems Theory: The family is very much seen as a very emotional unit and depends on the systems and subsystems that are within it.  It can even go to the relationships involving people or things outside of the family. If these systems give the impression that they are faltering or weakening, all seems to be lost.

Examples of systems: Husband and wife, wife and child, husband and child, child and child.

The wrap-up…

I won’t say that I know or believe that each of these theories is all good or all bad.  As we discussed them in class, I just felt that there were potential positive consequences of them, as well as negative ones.  So what I invite you to do is really contemplate your own family and which of these theories is prevalent in your own home and relationships.  How are those theories affecting you?  Could any changes be made?

Let me know in the comments below if you had any thoughts – I think that you can leave comments anonymously if you would like to share personal thoughts!

Until next week 😊

-Britt

What Are We Doing Here?

Well, here we go! This is my the first blog post I have ever written and I am quite thrilled that it is going to be the first of many to discuss the importance of family in my (and your, for that matter!) life. 

To address the title of this post, there are a few questions that might be floating around.  You might be wondering how you got to a seemingly random blog that talks about the family or if it's even worth looking at.  I could possibly wonder why I am putting so much of my Saturday afternoon into this assignment!  Maybe you're wondering why, if the family is such an important thing, it causes so much sadness and difficulty in certain situations.  You could even be wondering why you're here on this earth with the family that you have!  I can't claim to have the knowledge or understanding of your personal life to answer every question that you have, but I do firmly believe that the topics that I am going to write about can and will, if you allow them to, change your perspective on family, your purpose, and life as a whole. 

So, what is the big deal anyway?  Why take an entire class and create a blog about the family?  Why is it so incredibly important?  Let's get a little personal.  I want you to think about your own family, in whatever form yours comes.  That could be your spouse, children, parents, step-parents, adoptive parents, your aunts and uncles, grandparents, your closest friends, etc.  Think of those people that are always there for you.  I'm thinking of mine and oh boy, it sure makes me happy to know that I have them!  Those relationships are the ones that, regardless of any circumstance that we might be in, help us to move forward every day and give us hope when things seem dark.

It is clear to me that the world's view of the family has changed.  I do have very strong feelings about that, and I'm probably going to be quite bold about sharing how I feel about such things.  However, I will do my best to share the statistics and studies that we learn about to support my beliefs.

The topic that I would like to discuss today is that seemingly small changes to the typical "nuclear family", over time, can make a significant difference on the individual, on society, and the world as a whole.  An article that I read this week (Why You're Being Invited to Fewer Weddings) really got the wheels turning in my mind.  The article discusses that the number of weddings that occur in the United States is decreasing every year. 

The number being discussed is that marriage rate, or the number of people married for every 1,000 people.  That number has been going down and is projected to continue doing so.  The article does a great job of simply stating the facts and showing the numbers that show this decrease.  At first, I thought to myself, "Well, it's a bummer that people aren't getting married! It doesn't seem to affect me too much, thought."   As I have thought a little more in depth about the matter and discussed it more in class, though, I have come to see a few reasons that a small change like this could affect me, you, your mom, your kids, even your dog (although that might be pushing it).

• Although no marriage is perfect, I like to think that, if we are doing our part and our spouse is as well, it is something that can bring us massive amounts of security and joy in this life.  It gives us a best friend, someone to rely on, someone who will always be there for us.  Without marriage, there is still commitment.  I can't deny that it's a beautiful thing any time that two people decide to spend many years together, but I just have to stand firm in my belief that a marriage is something even more special.  
• A marriage seems to create a more stable environment in which children can be raised.  I have no doubt that any child can go above and beyond, control their future, and be incredibly successful.  I also don't doubt that those children who are raised by married parents are given even more tools to do so.

I could probably go on and on about these things, but I guess I will sum it up in this phrase:  these "small" changes that we are seeing in the family will, or maybe already are affecting our own families and futures.  

That wasn't so bad, was it?  I am excited to continue learning and sharing with you guys! I can't believe I'm even saying these words and I don't know if it's an actual option, but I encourage you to subscribe to this blog!

-Britt